Five ways to keep you away from office politics

"Conflict makes intelligent people look stupid"--Daniel Goleman, author of "Emotional intelligence"

 

Remember what it was like to finally get a promising job, all your hopes and expectations? All the great ideas you were going to bring, the problems you knew you could solve, the difference you were going to make. And all the potential partnerships that would develop as you faced the many challenges of your new career.

And then, something happened. You discovered office politics. The ongoing conflicts and power struggles that permeate modern organizations. The factions. The cliques. The raw emotions of open conflict. The furtive conversations at the water cooler. The open shouting and name calling when tempers flared and conflicts came out into the open. How shocking, how painful, how disappointing. And your dreams began to take a backseat to the question" how am i going to survive in this envoirnment?"

I recall a global organization I once worked for and how excited I was to attend their global annual meeting in New York, the big apple. After all the persentations, colleagues would meet up during the breaks and gossip about other colleagues. I learned amazing things about the company's founder....or at least I heard stories that poople claimed to be true. Suddenly I began to wonder...do I really fit into this picture? Is this the kind of place I want to spend my precious time?

And, over the years, I experienced uncountable situations where normally calm, talented and intelligent people lost their focus on contributing and expended most of their energy on their ongoing conflicts with bosses, other colleagues and customers. Instead of engaging in warfare. If any of this resonates with you, you have come to the right place. Here are five proven mathods to help you deal with conflict and keep your focus on your business:

1, Don't gossip. When you hear things about other people, put cotton in your ears. Don't get involved, don't listen and don't repeat what you heard. What you are hearing comes from people who have an agenda, and it is second-hand information. If you didn't experience what they reposrt personally, you don't know if it is true or not. There are always two sides to every story.

 

2, Learn to Empathize. Everyone you will ever meet is a human being with human need and human feelings. They are doing the best they know how to survive in their envirnment, instead of judging, evaluating,criticizing or attacking..become curious about their world, their challenges, their situation. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you don't agree with them on everything. But remember, they are out partners in a business, and partners are key to business success. Instead of judging them and making up stories about them, just observe them and take a interest in what they are feeling. Take an interest in what they really need in the situation. With empathy you will discover that their needs are actually very similar to your own. Are we really so different? Pay more attentions to their needs that underlie their feelings, and less attention to their content. Content is superficial. Needs are universal and valid.

 

3, Learn the secret language of feelings. We all have emotions and feelings. but most people have forgotten that our feelings are a response to our needs. When we feel bad it is because some of our human needs is not being met

When we feel good, it is because some need is being satisfied. So when you see people that are angry, frustrated, sad , upset...what does it tell you? It tells you that some deep need is going unmet. You have a choice: you can judge their expression of their feelings as being wrong, inappropriate, selfish, stupid, or whatever, or you can simply notice that this is a person who has some legitimate need that isn't been met. If you can focus on helping them get their needs met, instead of judging them wrong then you can make a difference for them, and for you. Imagine that you are driving in your car and the red warning light comes on, it is just telling you that the engine needs oil or the radiator need water. So all you needs to do is stop and provide what your engine needs and you can keep driving. But many people have a different response. Instead of addressing the need...They pull out the wire so that the warning light goes off. And now, they are living in a fool's paradise. Because they real need is not being addressed, it's being willfully ignored. And of course, the engine is going to blow up. so when people are in conflict, their feelings surface and if we are paying attention we take the warning light as an indication that some deeper need isn't being met. Instead of making the warning light wrong, we become interested in helping them meet the deeper need. That is the nature of empathy and it is the essence of emotional intelligence, also known as EQ.  So, what is the secret language of feelings? It is the understanding that feelings are just pointers, pointing so some need for safety, acknowledgement, certianty, love, happiness, survival, creativity, achievement, acceptance, fun etc. These needs are universal, they live in all of us. And when they are not met, feelings arise..feelings that alert us that something is missing. Ignore them, judge them, fight against them...the engine is going to blow up and conflict is the result. Are you wise enough to look beneath the surface and address the real need? Or will you continue to just judge, evaluate, criticize and generally make people wrong?

 

4, Seek first to understand, then to be understood. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people in the world famous book by steven covey. we all want others to understand us, our intentions, our ideas, our needs. And if we only focus our attention on our own needs to be understood, accepted, approved, etc, then we are going to end up in conflict. As adults, we have the ability to put out need to be understood on hold...to delay gratification, and create a space for the other person to express for themselves. Most people don't truly listen. They simply pretend to listen until they can have a chance to speak their own point of view. The result is usually that the conflict grows in intensity. so if we are selfish, self-centered, the chances are good that we will spend a good deal of our time in conflict and the suffering that goes with it. Instead of waiting for other person to listen to you, take the initiative and truly listen to them. Of course it's easier said than done.

 

5, Stay commited to the partnership. Every time you focus on winning for your point of you, a partnership is going to be sacrificed. They business is going to suffer and so are you. A short term win that leaves another person bleeding in the water, is not a real win. If you can re-connect to your heart, and stop living from your head, you are already a winner. Our nature condition as humans is to have empathy for others. When we  indulge in our judgements we may feel we are right and the other person is wrong. the reality is we are all people with good intentions that come from deep human needs. The real winner are the ones who stay connected to their hearts and focus on " how we can work this out, as partners, so that we can all win? it is not an easy path. And it is the only path with heart that can lead us beyong living from sheer ego. It is the path that keeps us connected to our caring for other people and the possibilities of truly working together in harmony.

 

Final words,  for thousands of years we have been engaged in the process of waging the battle of right or wrong and good or bad. We have sunk into a battle of judgements. And for the last 8000 years, the result has been non-stop violence, apin and suffering. Have you had enough? are you tired of all the battles? would you like to focus again on the real issues, the possibility of creating a world where are can all help each othre get our deeper needs met? If so, you are on a path that leads away from incessant conflict and towards the real potential of the human race. I wih you well and I wish you success, our future on this planet depends on your contribution.